Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
